Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Think positive

Blah, for some reason I'm having an adoption pity party today. There are some days that I seriously don't think that I can wait one more hour for Clarissa. I can't stand it, I'm ready for her right this minute! Our agency has a longer wait than some of the others because it's a smaller agency that doesn't do as many Korean adoptions (it was the only agency that places Korean children in Idaho though, so we had no choice). We've been told to plan on an 18 month wait, and some of the bigger agencies in other states tell their families to expect a 10-12 month wait. Well now we've been waiting over 10 months, and people on the Korean adoption board that applied the same time as us with the bigger agencies are starting to receive their referrals. It's killing me.

So today I'm going to force myself to think positive about other things. I've got to remind myself why life is good to get myself past the pity party. So here we go.

I LOVE fall! Love. It. I look forward to October all year long. I love the leaves, I love the change in the weather, I love all the Halloween excitement, I love watching the squirrels steal all the walnuts off our tree, I love turning the fireplace back on, I love getting into bed at night under a heavy down comforter, I love everything about it. I like colder weather. I'm miserable when I'm hot, but I love being cold. I love blankets and sweaters and hot chocolate and fireplaces. Fall just makes me happy.

I love my kids! I love spending time with them, I love hearing their stories about what's going on in school, I love watching them play together, I love it when Josh reads books to Matthew, I love their giggles, I love to snuggle with them, and I love watching them learn and grow. My kids rock.

I love Idaho. It's safe, quiet, pretty, the people are friendly, the mountains are beautiful and I feel like it's a safe haven in the big scary world.

I love my house. This house kind of fell into our laps and we got SO lucky. It's a nicer home than I ever thought I'd own in my life. I love our yard, I love the storage space, I love the neighborhood and I love having room for the kids to run around.

I love that I have a pile of books on my shelf waiting to be read. I love that my cat keeps wanting to sit on my lap and purr. I love our fun family traditions. It's supposed to rain or snow this weekend, so it's time to make rainy day stew. I love rainy day stew.

I love my church. I love that I have something in my life that gives me so much peace, even when times are tough.

I love our family. We don't have much extended family that we spend a lot of time with, so sometimes I feel like it's just the four of us on our own, and there's something fun about that. We spend a LOT of time together, just the four of us. I love that we're so close to our kids and I love that the four of us enjoy being together. Family bonding time makes me happy, and I'm glad that I married a man who has the same views on family that I do. I love that he's always eager to be an active part of everything that goes on around here. I love that he loves the family bonding time as much as I do. I love that our kids are growing up being really close to both of their parents.

So there you go. A list of things I love. There's no reason to have a pity party when life is pretty darn good, right? I have to keep those things in my head and push myself through the hard times when I think that I would literally swim all the way to Korea if it meant that I could finally hold Clarissa when I got there. But I know it doesn't work that way. She'll be here when the time is right and then I'll have a whole lifetime to enjoy her.

If the 18 month timeline is accurate, Clarissa's birth mother is around 6 months pregnant now. I wonder if she's decided on adoption yet or if she's still struggling with what to do. I wonder if she has family support. I wonder if she's still with the birth father. I wonder if she's thinking about me the way that I'm thinking about her. I wish I could be with her. I wish that I could feel Clarissa kick, I wish I could see an ultrasound and I wish that I could somehow express to her birth mother just how grateful I am for her sacrifice. Adoption is a beautiful thing.


Third Mom said...

Oh, this brings back memories. We waited almost 22 months for our son - but I can tell you that today, with him in college, the pain of that wait has faded into vague memory.

I hope your wait ends up at the shorter end of the spectrum, but no matter what happens, if you do ultimately adopt from Korea I know the experience awaiting you is amazing. Truly amazing. Best of luck to you.

Jenn said...

I couldn't stand the wait Wendy! It's so great that you can sit back and say 'Hey! I need to think about the good things going on here' and get yourself out of that well deserved funk, that says a lot! It's so sweet that you think about Clarissa's birth mother like that, I think if they could meet you and know you it'd make their decision a lot easier.

When Clarissa does get here I'll be sending over some extra adorable hair clippies!