Thirteen months

Yesterday was the 21st and I didn't even realize it. As of yesterday we have officially waited 13 months for Clarissa. Normally I have my own personal celebration that I've made it through another month, but I went through the whole day yesterday not thinking about what day it was, so I missed my celebration. That's OK, I'll celebrate today. I'll have a 13 months and one day celebration. :)

Right now the expected wait time is 14-17 months. I expect to be closer to the 17 than the 14, but we really are getting very close. At this point it almost seems strange to think that we're finally going to know who she is soon. Clarissa has exsisted only in my head for so long that sometimes I think that's all she's ever going to be. I've been waiting for so long that I can't remember not waiting anymore. To actually see her and realize that she's finally an actual person, and not just someone I've made up in my mind is almost going to seem weird at first! :)

That makes no sense, I'm sure. Waiting for someone to come into my life for so long has been an interesting experience. I feel so connected to her, I pray for her, I dream about her and I think about her, but I don't even know who she is. Adoption is a sad event and an extremely happy event at the same time. I feel bad for her. I feel bad that her birth mother wasn't able to care for her, I feel bad that she's getting attached to foster parents who she will have to say goodbye to and sometimes I feel guilty knowing that we're taking her away from her birth country.

But one the other hand, I know that this is God's plan for her. I don't know why, but I feel strongly that she was meant to join our family. She's a part of us. I want her to be with us and to feel loved and feel part of a family. I want to be able to give her the things that she couldn't have had if she had been raised in Korea. There's no changing her circumstances. Children born to single mothers or children adopted in Korea are always kind of looked at as second class citizens in Korea. It's not a good life for them. Here she can grow up happy and accepted, without the constant stigma of being an adopted child. I want that for her.

But it's an odd feeling, loving someone you don't even know. It's an odd feeling missing someone that you've never met. I think that by the time she gets here I'm never going to want to put her down. I'm just going to want to stare at her face and be amazed that she's finally real.

Thirteen months have gone by. I know she's out there somewhere. I hope she's safe and happy and feeling loved. And I hope that I'm holding her in my arms soon.