I've had a tough time the past several days and I can now tell you why.
A few weeks ago I came across the file of a waiting child on our agency's website. A waiting child is a baby who was born with some sort of medical condition that doesn't match the profile of any family waiting for a baby. They're basically ready to be adopted but they're waiting for a family who can take on their medical condition.
I've been checking the waiting child list for the past year, but most of the medical conditions were more than we're prepared to handle.
A few weeks ago we came across the file of a baby who caught my attention for some reason. The agency won't let us give any specific information about waiting children at all, so I can't tell you anything about her or her medical condition, but it was one of those things where they won't really know the extent of what's wrong with her until she's older. She may be fine and she may have severe issues, it's still unknown.
Anyway, we felt like we wanted to know more about her so we requested her file. Last week the agency sent me all of her medical records and all the information they have on her.
I'm an extremely soft hearted person and the waiting child listings always break my heart. I wish that we were in the position to just take all of them home. We know that we have limitations though and we've had to be really honest with ourselves about what we're prepared to handle.
We looked over the file of this child and read all the medical reports. I read them so many times I memorized them. I wish I was able to explain her issues, but I can't. All I can say is that they're complicated and still partly unknown at this point.
After a lot of thought and a lot of prayer, we came to the conclusion that this is not the right child for our family. It just didn't feel right.
Let me tell you, I have never struggled more over any decision in my entire life than I did over this one. I didn't think it was going to be that difficult, but it was an extremely emotional decision for me to make. How do you look at that sweet little face and say no? It absolutely breaks my heart. I so badly want to pick her up and love her, but I also know that God has a plan for all of us and we believe that the answer to our prayers was that this isn't our baby. God has another plan for her and I'm sure that there is another family out there just waiting to love and care for her.
My heart breaks for her though and I feel like a horrible, heartless person for saying no to her. I know that it was the right decision but I still feel like I let her down somehow. She'll never know us and she'll never even know that we considered her, but my heart is hurting right now. There is a family out there waiting for her and I hope they find her soon.
So that's really all I have to say on that subject. Choosing to bring a child into your life is the biggest decsion you can make and turning a child down is one of the most heartbreaking.
I know that our Clarissa is out there. I know that God has a plan for our family and I know that one of these days soon we're going to be matched with the baby who is meant to be in our family. But I'll never forget that sweet little girl that we agonized over this weekend. I pray for her family to find her soon.