Monday, January 26, 2009

The Decision That Can Now Be Named

I've had a tough time the past several days and I can now tell you why.

A few weeks ago I came across the file of a waiting child on our agency's website. A waiting child is a baby who was born with some sort of medical condition that doesn't match the profile of any family waiting for a baby. They're basically ready to be adopted but they're waiting for a family who can take on their medical condition.

I've been checking the waiting child list for the past year, but most of the medical conditions were more than we're prepared to handle.

A few weeks ago we came across the file of a baby who caught my attention for some reason. The agency won't let us give any specific information about waiting children at all, so I can't tell you anything about her or her medical condition, but it was one of those things where they won't really know the extent of what's wrong with her until she's older. She may be fine and she may have severe issues, it's still unknown.

Anyway, we felt like we wanted to know more about her so we requested her file. Last week the agency sent me all of her medical records and all the information they have on her.

I'm an extremely soft hearted person and the waiting child listings always break my heart. I wish that we were in the position to just take all of them home. We know that we have limitations though and we've had to be really honest with ourselves about what we're prepared to handle.

We looked over the file of this child and read all the medical reports. I read them so many times I memorized them. I wish I was able to explain her issues, but I can't. All I can say is that they're complicated and still partly unknown at this point.

After a lot of thought and a lot of prayer, we came to the conclusion that this is not the right child for our family. It just didn't feel right.

Let me tell you, I have never struggled more over any decision in my entire life than I did over this one. I didn't think it was going to be that difficult, but it was an extremely emotional decision for me to make. How do you look at that sweet little face and say no? It absolutely breaks my heart. I so badly want to pick her up and love her, but I also know that God has a plan for all of us and we believe that the answer to our prayers was that this isn't our baby. God has another plan for her and I'm sure that there is another family out there just waiting to love and care for her.

My heart breaks for her though and I feel like a horrible, heartless person for saying no to her. I know that it was the right decision but I still feel like I let her down somehow. She'll never know us and she'll never even know that we considered her, but my heart is hurting right now. There is a family out there waiting for her and I hope they find her soon.

So that's really all I have to say on that subject. Choosing to bring a child into your life is the biggest decsion you can make and turning a child down is one of the most heartbreaking.

I know that our Clarissa is out there. I know that God has a plan for our family and I know that one of these days soon we're going to be matched with the baby who is meant to be in our family. But I'll never forget that sweet little girl that we agonized over this weekend. I pray for her family to find her soon.

8 comments:

Sexy Beast said...

you are the most amazing person. I have loved reading your blog for the last few months, you always make me smile. I am sorry you had to make this heart breaking decision, but I believe that you made the right decision and that your little girl will come soon. *hug* and good luck I have been praying for you and will continue praying for you and your family.

Kate said...

Wendi - How hard for you both. I think it is wonderful that you have a name for your child. A specific name you can pray for and about. You did not turn this child down. YOu allowed her to go to another family waiting for their child like you are waiting for yours. You allowed Clarissa to be able to come to your home. You are a wonderful person with a beautiful heart and an incredible family that is soon going to be just that much more incredible. I believe that every little thing is in our path for a reason and we have to find it. This is in yours and tha reason doesnt have to be the obvious one.

Stacy and Angela said...

Wendy,
I believe like you do that God has a plan for all of us. I think that if this baby was meant to come home with you, you would have had very strong positive feelings, and you would have known it was right. I am sorry it was so hard for you to go through, I have read your blog for a few months, and I think you are amazing and strong and once you are holding your Clarissa in your arms you will be able to forget how long it took you to wait for her.
Keep your positive thoughts your time is coming.!

KrisJ said...

I hope I can help ease your mind on this hard discision you had to make... Malia was a WC and I found her on a photo listing, she was turned down by A LOT of families. I feel so blessed that God let them know she wasnt meant for their home because she was meant for ours. I know she will find her home and I know your sweet little one will find yours too! Keep praying for comfort and keep busy, you will get that call soon!

Jaime said...

I read your blog so much and all I can really say is bless your hearts. Most people in this world only want the perfect child...they wouldn't consider anything less. Your family not only considered in, you struggled with it. In my heart, I don't believe that your family will find Clarissa, but I do believe that she will find you.

Katy said...

Just extending some support and empathy - DH and I were in that boat a couple times during our wait. It never gets easier, but once your little one finds you, it definitely all falls into place and you *know* why it was all supposed to happen that way. Keeping my fingers crossed for you guys that referrals pick up again soon!

~*Jenn*~ said...

Wendy, I can feel the pain and heart break in your post, I know what an exceptionally hard decision this must've been for your family. You're absolutely right, God has a plan and this wasn't it. However you've done another family a great favor because this little girl is theirs, and if you were to have taken her in, it would have changed God's plan for both of you. You needed to make this decision to grow as a person, but you made the right choice and now your family, Clarissa and her family, this little baby, and the family that's waiting for her will all benefit from it. Good job :)

AuraLee said...

Wendy-

My heart aches for you. We were in that position a few times while we were waiting, and I still think of those babies. I always wonder how they are and that I hope they have found their forever families.

Never doubt that you made the right decision and that you took your whole family into consideration and for that babies sake, you allowed her to be a special part of a family that God has waiting for her.
God has Clarissa waiting for you and she will be a part of your family-all in God's time and for the good of HIS will, not ours(yours).

Hang in there... I *know* it's hard, and in the end, when you are holding Clarissa, you will know it's all been worth the wait!

hugs~
AuraLee