Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Pity, party of one

Two things.

First of all, I think the saga of the ducks has come to an abrupt end. This morning the mama duck took her kids on a walk and never came back. That's what happened last year, and I expected her to eventually leave with her babies, but last year she stuck around for a few weeks before she left with them. This time it was barely 24 hours.

I'm kind of baffled by how things turned out this year. It was nothing like last year. Last year it was obvious when the eggs were about to hatch because the mama duck got off of them when they started to crack. This time I still can't figure out when they hatched because she NEVER got off of them. Tuesday morning there were babies under her! Last year she stuck around with the babies for a few weeks and she was really laid back. She let them play on the grass near her and she didn't mind it when we sat near them and quietly watched them play. This year she didn't want anyone near her babies and took off with them as soon as she could.

I don't know what the difference is, but I'm really sad that they're gone. I've been really looking forward to their arrival all month and then we never really even got to enjoy them before they were gone.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted if they should happen to return, but it's been hours since they left and I have a feeling that they're not coming back.

Second, I called our agency today because the wait is REALLY getting to me this week and I had to have some sort of update before I went insane.

What I found out is that we're still number two and there has been a referral for someone behind us in line. *sigh* I knew that this was possible but I'm still kind of bummed to hear it. We've gotten to the point where our place in line doesn't really matter anymore, because they don't always take the first person on the list. When a baby comes along they pull the first few files and choose the best match. Sometimes it's the family's gender preference, sometimes it's a medical need that only one family was open to and sometimes it's just because whoever is matching felt like a certain family was the best match for the baby. I like that they put a lot of thought into who gets each baby, they don't just randomly pair people up, but it's hard at the same time because it's a bummer when you start getting skipped.

So I've been thinking about it and I don't think that I'm going to do the Friday updates on my blog anymore. At this point it doesn't really matter if there are referrals because they could be referrals for people in line behind us, and even if it is for the person in front of us and we go to the front of the line it doesn't mean that we'll be next. I'll still give updates if there's anything exciting to report, of course, but I'm not obsessing over each referal anymore.

Our contact at the agency couldn't really tell me much more except that we're really close and it could happen at any time. The not knowing is frustrating to me. What does any time MEAN?? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month?? I hate it when I don't have control over when things happen. If it were up to me I would be on a plane right this minute on my way to Seoul to track down my baby! The agency is taking too long, I'll just go find her myself, lol. That's totally my personality in a nutshell, patience has never been a skill that I've possessed.

So I didn't find out anything that I didn't already know, and I guess I really didn't expect to. I really don't know why I even called, it's not like calling is going to speed things along. I just needed to do something and that's the only thing I could think of to do. I love our agency, she didn't make me feel like I was silly for calling, even if she thought I was. She's always happy to talk.

So anyway, there you have it. I'm kind of bummed today. I'm feeling let down by the abrupt birth and exit of the ducks and I'm bummed to hear that people behind us are getting referrals, even though I've been telling myself for weeks to be prepared for that. In the grand scheme of life those are both really stupid things to be bummed about, but I'm going to have my pity party anyway, lol. I'm giving myself the afternoon to pout and then I'm going to pull myself together and get over it.

We all deserve a little pity party every now and then, right?!


Jeni said...

Yes we do deserve a pity party once in while!

It's so hard to feel now but this time next year it will be nothing more then a memory.

So strange about the ducks too. I remember how last year was so different. Maybe this time she has PPD? Poor ducky! :)

~April~ said...

You definitely deserve one. You're welcome to join my sister and I for our pity party. We are having one right now :) It's been a hard day for a lot of people I know. Hugs. I'm sad about the ducks too. I was looking forward to seeing pictures again. Hugs for everything!

rycarjam said...

Maybe the Mom Duck was a pro now? Maybe the last time was her first and she didn't quite know what to do and now she does? I don't know, but that stinks! I hope she comes back and stays for a while.

And I'll be praying for you that the wait is very short. After coming this far, you're almost at the end. I'm sure the waiting is torture though.


Kate said...

I am so happy for you that you have an agency that wants to specifically give you Clarissa and not Joann or Alison. What a great relief to know that you are waiting because they are making sure you get your Clarissa. How great is that! I am so happy for you that you are so close that is literally could be any second.

Why didnt you tell Mommy Ducky that you needed the distraction this year? Silly duck.

I just wanted to tell you how happy I am that you have such a wonderful agency that is doing so much to help you get Clarissa not just pass out a child kwim? Love you!

Wendy said...

Enjoy the pity party, wallow for a bit, then get up and realize that it is going to happen, your little girl IS on her way, and there really IS a plan. I have been checking your blog almost every day because I KNOW that you are getting so close.

Joy said...

I agree with Wendy - Have your pity party, you are entitled.

Maybe this is god's way of testing you to see if you can handle what is coming, to know that you can't always plan or count on things to happen in a specific way.

Clarissa is going to be bringing a lot with her - you are used to boys, used to having them from the newborn stage.. etc.

I think that you just need to step back and reflect on these feelings - just like they tell women who are TTC, just relax and stop thinking about it, and it will happen!

I have also been checking your blog numerous times a day - I know that you are getting close, and I'm sending all my positive thoughts your way!