Monday, June 15, 2009


I had another dream last night that we got our referral. Every now and then I dream that we get our referral and they're always weird dreams where the baby they refer to us isn't what we expected. I dreamt once that they sent us a teenager, then they sent us two Hispanic siblings, and I've had a few other weird dreams.

Last night I dreamed that I picked up the phone and it was someone calling from Korea to tell me that they had our referral, but the woman had a really heavy Korean accent and I couldn't understand what she was saying. (In real life the call isn't going to come from Korea, it's coming from our agency in Seattle, and the woman who will call is not Korean!)

I kept asking her to repeat herself because I couldn't understand her and I finally understood that we were being refered an 18 month old. I kept saying "but none of the clothes I bought her will fit!" lol! That was my biggest concern apparently! Then suddenly all these Korean people from the agency were in the room with me and they were showing me her paperwork. She had some complicated story where she had been in an orphanage and then her parents took her back and then she was with a foster family or something. It was a complicated story that I didn't fully understand. I think she'd been in a war at one point?! There were all these people telling me things in heavy Korean accents and the whole thing was very overwhelming and confusing.

Oh! Plus the family requested that we give her a specific name. They gave us two choices. One of the names I can't remember but it was odd. The other name was Emily, which is what we had planned to name our baby before we decided on Clarissa. I kept telling them that they were both fine names, but we wanted to name her Clarissa!

Then I woke up. I immediately felt relieved that that wasn't our real referral because it was really complicated and weird and then I just felt sad that we didn't really get our referral yet. I hate weird dreams like that. I have a hard time shaking them off.

So here I am, back in real life with no referral yet and the wait continues. I'm struggling with it this week. Every week gets a little harder. It helps that I'm super busy this week but it's still in my head no matter what I do.

Today my mom and stepdad are coming to stay with us overnight which should be fun. I'm trying to decide if we should go out to dinner with them tonight or if I should make Korean food for them. Bulgogi and Tak Toritang sound really good to me today...

I'm also getting us ready for the little trip we're going to take this weekend, I'm getting a Koala costume ready for Josh to wear in a school program tomorrow night, I've got a bunch of stuff that has to be done for my church job before we leave town and I've pretty much got this week booked up. That's a good thing because I need to keep busy right now. The faster the time passes the better at the moment. Keeping busy keeps me from staring at the phone.

I've stoppped trying to even guess when the referral might be here. Things seem really slow at the agency right for some reason and there's no telling how long that might last. I'm hoping and praying that it's just temporary and things will pick up soon, but you never know how things are going to go.

On the Korean message board I visit it seems like all the agencies are slow right now for some reason. I'm trying not to get discouraged, but it's really hard. On Sunday we will reach the 19 month mark. That's going to be really hard for me. So I'm going to stay busy, enjoy our vacation and try to not to obsess over it too much. Clarissa is out there and I pray that she's able to join our family soon.


Kate said...

Hey I am still here. I jsut wanted you to know that I love your blog even when You think it is boring. You are a wonderful woman. I also wanted to tell you that maybe your dream was a message meant for you. You said you had a relived feeling when you woke. Maybe you should try to take that feeling as a sign that you shold be relieved that right now HF knows now is not the time and the baby you may have gotten was not Clarissa and you need your clarissa not just a baby. Also I wanted to ask I have a few questions but I am afraid to ask them because I would not want to do anything that would make you sad or make you ponder things more than you are or dwell on things that could be a hinderance to your adoption. Please let me know if you are ok with questions that may be a little more difficult to answer (They are not personal I jsut dont want to make you dwell on difficulties of adoption)


Wendy said...

I'm totally OK with questions! Don't worry about getting personal, I'm an open book about adoption. You can e-mail me at