My blog has been kind of quiet lately. I'm struggling a little these days to juggle everything I have going on right now. A few years ago I went through a period of really extreme anxiety and panic attacks and after I was treated for them I got much better and haven't had problems in quite a while. But unfortunately all the chaos around here right now is kicking up the anxiety again.
I hate to even complain about my life right now because in the big picture we're extremely blessed and I am SO excited to bring Clarissa home. I'm not really worried about the adoption necessarily, I'm just really overwhelmed with life right now. Everything changed really quickly and it takes me a little bit to adjust to change. We just made the final ginormous payment to the adoption agency and now we're scrambling to save for our trip to Korea in a few months. It's definitely not cheap to spend a week in Korea and we're stressed about finances a bit after writing the second biggest check of our marriage to the adoption agency last week. The only check we've written bigger than that was for the down payment on our house! I get a little panicky when I see that much money leave our savings account at once!
Between the stress of that and finishing up some projects I needed to do and having a lot of stuff going on right now for my church job and planning to be out of town this weekend and wondering how we can possibly justify the expense of taking another trip (it's a family event that we really have to be there for), I'm just really overwhelmed and overloaded. I'm trying to take everything one at a time but things just keep flying at me from different angles and I'm having a really hard time keeping up. All of those things trigger my anxiety and then I'm really not much fun.
I know that things are going to work out fine in the end. When I think about bringing Clarissa into our lives I feel a lot of peace. This has always been something that I strongly believe that we've been led to do and I know that this is the right thing for our family. I'm looking forward to the day I can finally hold Clarissa in my arms and put all this adoption craziness behind us. The next few months are just going to be kind of a struggle though. Getting through the end of this process is nervewracking and overwhelming. The WAIT is easier for me now than it was before we got our referral, but life is a lot crazier now than it was back then. I'm mentally exhausted these days. I'm not sleeping well and I keep waking up in the morning with butterflies in my stomach.
So these days I'm doing a lot of praying and using a lot of relaxation techniques that I learned the last time I went through my anxiety issues and I know that everything will work out. I think we all go through these bumps in the road sometimes.
I hate making blog posts like this because I don't think everyone really wants to listen to me complain. But in the interest of wanting this blog to be an honest look at what it's like to adopt a baby from Korea, I think it's important to include the hard times. Adoption is fun and exciting but it's also scary and stressful at times.
But I don't want this post to end on a bad note, so let me tell you the good things that are going on these days. Yesterday I got the kids organized with a summer chore chart and they're being awesome about it. Josh is downstairs emptying the dishwasher right now and I didn't hear a single complaint about it. Way to go Josh! Yesterday I informed the kids that for the summer I was putting a strict limit on their computer time and giving them an expanded chore chart to do and I expected all kinds of grumbling, but I got none. I have sweet kids who are happy to help and I appreciate them so much. It's hard to get too down around here when I have such sweet kids who always make me smile.
Another thing I'm loving is how awesome the weather has been this summer!! Boise gets super hot in the summer, usually into the 100's (I've seen it hit 112!), which makes it kind of miserable to go outside a lot of days. But for some reason it's been cooler this summer. Several days recently have been in the 80's or low 90's. It's been really enjoyable to go outside without feeling like you're going to melt into a puddle. That definitely makes me happy!
Also, no matter how much stresss I have in my life right now, I have photos of Clarissa to look at and that makes me happy. I feel so blessed that we've been able to go through this adoption process and I'm so happy that we've made it through the long wait for the referral. There were times that I really thought it was never going to happen and it finally did. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful for the foster parents who are loving our sweet Clarissa until we can go get her and I'm grateful for whoever took the time to take photos of her so that I have something to hold on to while we wait.
Even with the stress, life is good and I'm grateful for it.