Hearing about my friends recent adoption experience and about their birth mother has gotten me thinking a lot about Clarissa's adoption and her birth mother, and it prompted me to sit down this afternoon and write her a letter.
We never got to meet Clarissa's birth mother and I don't even know her name or know what she looks like, but we can send letters back and forth through the adoption agency. If you've been a long time follower of my blog you might remember that we actually got a letter and some gifts from her around Clarissa's first birthday, which is actually pretty rare. I don't know very many Korean adoptive families who have heard from their birth mothers.
I hoped that we'd hear from her again, but we haven't, which is OK. I'm comfortable with whatever make the birth mother comfortable.
Anyway, I decided today that it was time to sit down and write her another letter. The letter will go into Clarissa's file at the agency and the birth mother can access it whenever she wants, or not, if she doesn't want to. So sending it doesn't guarantee that she'll read it, but given the fact that she wrote to us, I'm guessing that she's open to some amount of communication.
Writing a letter to her birth mother is extremely hard for me. What do you say to the woman who gave your child life? Thank you doesn't seem sufficient. Then I always feel bad when I'm listing off all the things Clarissa is doing these days because I don't want the birth mother to feel sad that she's missing them. I told her about how much Clarissa loves clothes (she's seriously obsessed with clothes. I'm convinced that she's going to be running Vogue someday, lol) and how she loves to be read to and how she loves her brothers and how much she loves to swim and play in the water. Listing all of those things made me so sad for her birth mother. I'm sad that she's missing out on this amazing little girl, but at the same time so beyond appreciative that she allowed us to experience her.
I've said it before but the hardest thing about adoption for me has always been knowing that our happiness came from someone else's pain. That is something I've struggled with since the first time I laid eyes on Clarissa. I still believe that Clarissa is right where she belongs and I thank my Father in Heaven every single day for sending her to us, but there is still that woman out there somewhere who has to wonder whatever happened to that baby she had to say goodbye to and my heart will always hurt for her. I don't have words to express how much I appreciate her sacrifice and every time I try to write her a letter I don't feel like I can express my appreciation properly, especially because I have no idea how much will get lost in translation.
So mostly I just make sure to let her know that Clarissa is healthy and happy and loved. If one of my children were away from me that's what I'd want to know as a mother. Clarissa is amazing. More than we could ever have possibly hoped for. I love to look back on my blog from before she came home when I wondered what she'd be like. Now I know. She's an energetic princess who loves ponies and all things pink. Who likes to match her shoes with her outfits and notices if anyone is wearing something new. She loves to be read to, loves to sing, loves her brothers and never stops moving. She's slightly stubborn, way too cute for her own good and has us all wrapped around her sweet little finger.
I love that child with all my heart and I will be forever grateful to the amazing woman who gave her life.