Thursday, August 28, 2014


Today is the first day that I feel like we're finally getting the hang of the new schedules and routine around here. With everyone at new schools, it has been tricky getting used to what time everyone is coming and going. There are new school start times, different bus stops, everything is very different than it was last school year. This past week has been tricky trying to keep track of it and make sure everyone gets where they need to go. Yesterday Mathew's piano teacher called and wanted to change his piano lesson time and he asked me what time Matthew gets home from school. I was like a deer in the headlights with the very simple question, lol. I had no idea, I couldn't remember. There is just too much new information in my head right now and I'm having trouble keeping it all straight.

When I have stress in my life, it tends to manifest itself in really bizarre dreams. Last night I had a dream that we had to take Clarissa back to Korea. Like she had been on loan all this time but Korea needed her back now. We went to drop her off and suddenly I realized that we had to give her back for good and I was panicking and begging them to let us keep her. I pulled out my cellphone and frantically tried to show them photos of how happy she is in our family to try to convince them to let us keep her. It was awful. They did decide to let us keep her, and then we ended up on some crazy tour of Korea that made no sense.

Then I had a dream that I woke up and realized that during the night I had sent some racy text messages to an old boyfriend, like sleep walking only sleep texting, I guess, and I was completely horrified when I realized what I had done.

I seriously woke up this morning and it took me a moment to orient myself and realize that I did NOT send racy text messages to anyone and that Clarissa wasn't going back to Korea. Whew. It was a weird night.

But this morning I got everyone off to school and I feel like I have a better handle on my day. We're getting used to the routine and every day is a little less hectic than the last. But now that summer is over and everyone is back to school I feel like I have a million projects that I was putting off until summer was over. I came back in the house after getting Clarissa on the bus this morning and I just had this moment of "oh crap, where do I start?". All summer I've kind of been putting projects on the back burner and telling myself that I would deal with it when the kids went back to school. Well, guess what, the time is here, and now I've left myself a mess of things to do. It's possible that I shouldn't have put it all off. Why do I do that to myself?

So I have a million things to keep myself busy for a while. Life keeps plowing forward, I guess. It has been a very interesting experience watching life change around me over the past several months. All three kids left their old schools, my mom moved to Malaysia, Shawn's pharmacy moved and all three kids started a new chapter of their schooling. And through it all, I remained the same. Nothing changed for me. I felt like the eye of the hurricane, with everything swirling around me. I mean, in a way, I guess everything changed for me. I had to adapt to everyone else's changes, and that affected me.  But everyone else is in new places, learning new things, adapting to new surroundings, and I'm And maybe I'm a bit envious of everyone's change. As much as I say I hate change, I wouldn't mind an occasional change of scenery. I try to shake things up in my life occasionally, but in the end, it's still just me, doing my same thing.

I had a very eye opening conversation recently with a new friend about going back to college. Going back to college sounds absolutely terrifying to me. But also, incredibly exciting. I have a million reasons why going back to school is a really dumb idea. It's really expensive and I don't know if I could afford it, I'm worried about whether I'd be able to keep up, I feel too old, I'm not even sure I would want to give up being a stay at home mom even if I had career potential, and just the logistics of juggling school and kids feels impossible to me. But also...sometimes I imagine myself back in school, doing the things I wished I had done two decades ago, using my brain, having stimulating discussions about things I love, and that sounds amazing. Like, really, really amazing.

So I've been having a mental debate with myself lately. I have no idea which side is going to win. Change is terrifying for me. Sometimes it seems a lot easier to stick with what I know and just keep plugging along doing the things I've always done. My life is stable, I like being home for my kids, and there is no need for me to shake any of that up. But there is that little part of me...

So that's what's on my mind lately. So much change and inner turmoil. This year has just been full of change, and for someone who is always in my head the way I am, it has been a lot to process. This has officially been the year of change, and I guess my role in it all has just been to try to keep up. And I'm just doing the best to manage the hurricane that is swirling around me.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I'm a teacher, and I had all kinds of projects that were waiting for summer to come. Now summer's over, and I'm back to work, and I really tried to strike a deal for just ONE more week of vacation that I would use REALLY wisely, and get everything done! So I am quite envious of your long stretches of alone time to check off your to-do list!

And I'm also envious of your family having you as the unchanging, solid and steady rock they can turn to when everything in their worlds has been turned on its head! When my family's world gets like that, it's just as likely (more!) that I'm in a crazy place myself and no good to anyone.

No advice on the school issue, as I'd gladly take your stay-home gig for a few years! My girls are in 7th and 9th, and I never dreamed that the toddler years would be the easier ones!

Hope all three kids have a great year, and that you are able to make the best decisions for YOU!