Content is the best way to describe how I've been feeling lately. I feel like the last few years have just been a whirlwind of change and adjustments and we've been so busy and things have been kind of chaotic. I've been feeling kind of unsettled for a while. I feel like in the past couple of years I've been treading water with everything. Trying and failing to keep my house organized, the kids schedules on track, our finances in order, trying to make my health a priority, keep everyone on schedule and happy, it's exhausting sometimes being a mom. I'm not just in charge of my own wellbeing, but I feel like I've got the wellbeing of everyone in the house on my shoulders and sometimes it's a lot to juggle.
But lately I feel like I've reached a place of things falling into line. Everything seems to have improved recently. We're getting our house in order, I'm so excited about going back to school, the kids are getting settled at school, Shawn is finally getting settled into his job as manager of the pharmacy, which has been a lot of stress on him this year, and I feel like the chaos is settling down a bit.
Deciding to go back to school has been a big part of that for me. I feel like I spend a lot of time watching everyone else in my family change and grow and experience new things, and I'm just always here, doing the same old stuff, being the one who keeps everyone else moving. And, don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I can fill that role for my family. I'm the family therapist. I'm the one everyone goes to when they have a problem and I help them work through it and keep things on track, and I watch everyone leave the house in the morning and go out into the world and I make sure they're all functioning and have what they need to succeed, and then I pretty much just wait for everyone to come home so I can do it all over again. Last year when everyone else was moving up to new schools, new jobs, new everything, nothing was new for me. And I was happy for my family and excited for all their new experiences, but it frustrated me just a bit. It really made me start thinking about the fact that rarely is anything new for me. I'm the calm in everyone else's storm, and I'm glad for that because my family needs me to fill that role and I WANT to fill that role.
But it just really got me thinking about what else I might want for me. I guess maybe I felt change in the air for me. Going back to school is what I need for me. And I'm really glad that I can go to school from home so that I can continue to be here for my family, because that's obviously still important to me, but I'm really excited for a new adventure for me. I'm ready for personal change.
School doesn't start for me for two more weeks (I wish it would hurry up!!) but it's been perfect timing because that gives me a few weeks to continue to get my house in order before it starts. We've really been focusing on organization and purging things we don't need lately. We did the kitchen this past weekend. We cleaned and organized the pantry, cleaned out the freezer, threw out a ton of stuff that had expired or gotten lost in the back of a cupboard that I forgot we even had, and it feels great in there now. Everything is organized, restocked and ready for me to easily make meals even when I get busy with school.
And we made another decision that I feel kind of guilty about, but at the same time not, we're going to be having someone come in to do some of the cleaning. Once the house is organized and I start school, I really want it to stay nice, and I'm worried about how I'm going to juggle everything, especially starting next year when I'll be taking a full load of classes every semester. A friend of mine is starting a cleaning business, and we decided that it just makes sense to have someone come in a few times a month to take some of the stress off. I feel a little guilty about that as a stay at home mom, but I'm also kind of thrilled with the idea. I can do school, the house will stay clean, and we'll hopefully manage to stay organized and on track while I'm less available during the day.
So as I was working on more organizing projects this morning, content was the word that kept coming to mind. I feel content. I feel good about the changes that are happening in my life. I've felt conflicted about a lot of things in the last few years, and lately I just see a lot of those worries and concerns just falling into place and solving themselves. I feel like I'm on a good path and I'm happy.
And maybe in a month I'm going to be a frazzled mess and wondering what I got myself into, but at this moment, today, I feel content. And it feels nice. :)