Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Out of shape

I'm making big life changes right now. Losing weight, getting in shape and learning math is kind of kicking my butt right now.

Yesterday I spent the entire day learning math. I sat down at 9am to do my assignment and take a quiz and at 3 in the afternoon I was still at it. My kids were off school yesterday, so at one point I had Matthew in here tutoring me. He's 12.  You guys. I make it sound like I'm learning string theory over here for how hard I'm struggling with this, but it's literally middle school math. Yesterday Matthew tutored me on decimals, fractions, percentages and negative numbers. He's in 7th grade and he's super good at this stuff. But I was bad at it in 7th grade and I have avoided doing math of any sort for pretty much my entire adult life, so my brain is out of shape when it comes to numbers. It took me all afternoon yesterday to grasp converting a fraction into a decimal. I'm embarrassed to admit how much I struggle with even simple math.

I did eventually get it and I got a 100% on my weekly quiz, but it was not without struggle. I was mentally exhausted by the end of the day. I feel like I'm revisiting a lot of long repressed issues with math. I really stuggled with math as a kid. I never took a single math class growing up that wasn't extremely hard for me. And I had kind of forgotten what a struggle that was for me because it was so long ago, but being back in a math class is kind of bringing it all back. My brain just does not process numbers. I don't get math. I'm determined to do whatever I have to do to get through this class, but I'm hoping and praying that this is the last math class I have to take, because it's ridiculous how much of a struggle it is for me. I feel like a fairly intelligent person most of the time, but taking this math class is certainly knocking me down a few pegs, lol.

I'll get there. My family is supportive and I'm determined to learn, so one way or another I'll get though it. The best part of this is watching me kids be my cheerleader for the first time. I'm kind of a strict parent when it comes to school and we have high expectations of our kids. They're expected to work hard and I'm always there giving them pep talks and cheering them on. It was kind of funny yesterday when I was struggling and Josh sat down with me and talked me though it, exactly the same way that I have with him so many times. He reminded me that it's OK not to be perfect but that it's important to try your best. How many times have I said that to my kids? About a million. I kind of loved that he was putting it back on me. Knowing that it was time to practice what I preach helped me to keep going when I wanted to just drop the whole thing in the nearest trash can. It is OK not to be perfect, but I'm going to try my best.

So while I'm working out my out of shape brain, I'm also working on my body. We're about a week into the diet and things are going good. I've already lost five pounds and I'm back on the treadmill. I hate the treadmill. I would rather do just about anything (well, besides math) than get on that stupid thing. But I also want to be strong and healthy and right now that's what I have to do. Once it gets warmer I hope to get back out on my bike, but for now the treadmill is the best option. I always have to remind myself that I hate it when I'm doing it but I feel SO great when I'm done. I feel strong and accomplished and happy, and I like feeling that way. The fact that it's the middle of January when I would normally be curled up with a book waiting for the sun to come back out and instead I'm exercising and fighting my way through a math class makes me feel proud and accomplished. None of this is easy for me. Frankly, it's kind of embarassing how hard it is. But I'm doing it and I feel good. I mean, I hate it most of the time, but I feel accomplished. I feel strong and brave and capable, even though basically all I've managed to accomplish is pass a quiz on fractions and lose five pounds, lol. But those things are hard for me and I'm pushing through it. And I'm proud of me.

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