Tuesday, September 13, 2016

The one where I wondered what I was thinking

So, school started yesterday. I'm a full time college student! And today I don't know whether to celebrate or cry, lol. I'm taking 12 credits, which really didn't seem like all that much. It's barely full time. Josh is taking more college credits that that right now and he's plugging along just fine. And he has a part time job, after school commitments and a social life. Oh, to be young again. :)

I'm taking five classes. Math, advanced writing, American history, religion, and an intro class to my marriage and family studies major. Classes started yesterday, but they opened up the online classes over the weekend, so I've been poking around at them for a few days.

And to be honest, I feel like I'm drowning. :( I know that's it's just because it's new, and new things always come with an adjustment period. I keep telling myself that it's going to get better, and I know that it is. It's going to be just fine. People go to college all the time and survive. I just wish I could get past this first part, when everything is new and different and I don't know what I'm doing.

Most of the classes aren't too bad. I'm kind of starting to figure out what's going on and I'm making myself a color coded calendar of assignments and due dates and all of that so that I keep it together and stay organized. It's just a lot at first and I'm really overwhelmed. I'm taking math again and two days into it it's already kicking my butt. I struggle so hard with math. I took a math class last year and as much as I hated it while I was doing it, I also really loved it because for the first time in my life, I felt like I really started to get a handle on math. I learned a ton in that class. And I felt like I could use that knowledge to speed right through this class, but nope. I feel like I'm back to square one, limping along again. It's not particularly difficult math, it's more finance math, not algebra or calculus or anything. It's not that hard, I just really struggle with math, and the class isn't laid out very well. I'm having a hard time with not just the material, but figuring out how to navigate the system and figure what to do next. I don't mind taking most classes online, but I really hate taking math online. I need to sit in a classroom with a teacher for math. It looks like a lot of this class is reading a math textbook and teaching ourselves, and that's going to be a semester of torture for me. I'm struggling with it.

Aside from that class, which is taking up most of my time, the rest of it seems like I'll be able to get through it. I don't mind writing, that looks doable. I do have to write a 15 page research paper later this semester, but I like to write and I can handle that. And American history is mostly memorizing dates and events things like that. That will take a fair amount of studying, but I can do it. It's just that darn math class that I'm not sure how I'm going to get through.

The one class I am excited about is the intro to marriage and family studies class. It's a class that everyone in my major has to take that introduces us to what we need to do going forward. We'll be making a graduation plan and discussing career options and things like that. I'm so excited to finally be getting to the classes for my major. I'm really anxious to get the rest of these generals out of the way this semester so I can start focusing on what I really want to learn about. This class gives me a little taste of what's coming, and that's helping me push through this hard and mundane stuff.

So it's going to be fine. I'm having a lot of moments right now of wondering what I've gotten myself into, but I'm trying my best to push through it because I really do believe that it's going to get better. As much as I sort of want to quit and never speak of it again right now, I know if I push through it, I'm going to get to a place where I'm more comfortable and it's not so overwhelming.

Clearly I've given myself a lot of pep talks the past couple of days, lol. It has been a dream of mine to go back to college for years, and I'm finally doing it! So when I get discouraged I tell myself to suck it up, because this is the thing I wanted to do. I can do hard things. I just might complain about it a bit, lol.

So there's the update. I'm sort of hating it right now, but I'm optimistic that it's going to get better and that hope is pushing me through the hard parts.

But right now I'm going to go put my jammies on and watch mindless TV, because hours of trying to figure out math today has given my a headache and I'm tired.

I'll get there. I might limp along a bit, but I'll get there.